Discerning Available Partners.
When I ask clients to tell me about why their past relationships have not worked out, I usually get the same response. They tell me their past partner(s) have been unavailable. When asked for a Description of an unavailable partner, they have given the following examples:
- Uncommunicative
- Keeps secrets
- Doesn't talk about feelings
- Doesn't talk about his/her life
- Doesn't have time available
- Wants a relationship on weekends only
- Geographically distant and doesn't want to change the situation
- Doesn't want a commitment
- Doesn't want to move to the next step in the relationship
The list above can be reduced to three areas where there is a gap between what the two partners want:
- A gap in communication
- A gap in time spent together
- A gap in the level of commitment
The existence of these gaps makes one partner feel the other is unavailable. But what if there is no such thing as an unavailable partner? Instead there is the individual's definition of an "available enough" partner.
?- What kind of a partner is "available enough" for you?
?- Under what circumstances do you function best in a relationship?
?- How much do you need of:
- communication
- depth in the communication
- in person communication
- together time
- personal space
- depth of connection
?- What is your definition of a committed relationship?
?- Do you want a commitment?
?- How long are you willing to wait for a commitment?
One way to answer the above questions is to look at what you want now and for the future. To gain even more insight, look at your past relationships as well. Was there a gap in what you wanted and what your partners were willing to give? Did you get enough closeness, distance, communication and commitment?
At the same time, you may want to examine your Description of "available enough" to see if it comes from your childhood wounds. If you are unhealed from your childhood, chances are, no partner will be "available enough".
If in a relationship you have asked for more and not received it, don't force your partner to close the gap. Instead, look to see if your partner is "available enough" for you. You can not force anyone to do what they don't want to do. Only when both partners perceive a gap and seek to bridge it, will the relationship work.
How do you recognize a partner that is "available enough " for you? It's not a good idea to talk about your deep needs on the first date. It is a good idea to listen to your dates and watch their behavior. They will communicate to you clearly who they are and what they are looking for. If your date says he is not interested in a committed relationship, and you know you are, then he is not "available enough". If she says she loves her life, working 80 hour weeks, while you want someone with you every night, she is not "available enough".
One key point to remember is that most people you date are not the right partners. Also, it is not that you are looking for your soul mate. You are working on attracting a partner who wants similar things and has a similar value system. Selecting out people who are not right becomes easy. They stop being unavailable and wrong for it. They are simply not "available enough". Now you are free to attract a partner who is "available enough".
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