Most people have a fantasy about relationships. It goes something like this:
One day they will meet the right partner. This partner will understand them completely and will easily connect with them. There will be no arguments. Everything will be right. Magic will happen and will continue forever.
The reality of relationships is quite different. An intimate relationship is one of the most powerful opportunities for personal growth. Growing and maturing, even for the most transformed person, often brings pain. It also brings incredible joy. Relationships are akin to life sometimes sublime and sometimes challenging. As with life, the amount of satisfaction you derive depends how much you are willing to stretch beyond what is comfortable.
Somewhere between 3 months and 1 year into a relationship a couple enters a period of struggle. The beginning of this period is signified by the couple having disagreements and one or both partners deciding the difficulties are the fault of the other. This lasts for about 1 year, depending on the individuals. In my practice I have seen this happen to every couple, with out exception.
During this time of growth the couple is working through rules of conduct in the relationship. Each partner, having grown up in a different family culture, has different conduct rules. Neither one knows that they have a set of rules, or that these rules are unconscious. Each partner expects to be treated according to their set of rules. For example, partner ``A" may come from a family where feelings were not expressed and communication of feeling was scorned. Partner ``B" may come from a family with excessive emotional closeness and sharing. Partner ``A" will expect no emotional expression and sharing, while partner ``B" will expect closeness and intense emotional disclosure.
The couple's task during this period is to create a shared set of rules, independent, as much as possible, of their respective family dynamics. The task for each is to look inside and discover what they want in a relationship. These tasks require a strong commitment to the relationship and individuation from family patterns.
Most people are deeply loyal to their family patterns and beliefs. Each partner will believe that his/her approach is the correct one. If and when the other partner does not comply, he/she will be made wrong and attempts will be made to force compliance.
This period in the relationship is frustrating and painful. This is the point where most relationships end. The key ingredient to the survival of the relationship is the willingness to grow by each partner. Both partners must be willing to rework their rules of conduct and meet in the middle. If one partner become unwilling to grow and change, and maintains that position, the relationship is functionally over. A vital, dynamic, loving partnership can not exist when one partner exerts his/her will over the other. The relationship will eventually end with both people deeply wounded.
Relationships are not the way they are portrayed in fairy tales. Relationships are an opportunity for each partner to transform this is their incredible beauty. Growth will be painful at times, because it will require each partner to go beyond family rules. If you are unwilling to look at yourself and stretch, then stay single and date casually. If you are willing to grow, you will reap the benefits of a dynamic, loving partnership!
