Cheryl and Peter had been single for several years. Both had survived unhealthy relationships in the past, and neither believed they would find a truly intimate relationship. Everything changed when they first met one another. Their first three months together were "heaven on earth" according to Cheryl. It felt like they had known each other for years when they had only known each other for a few weeks. Three months into their relationship problems started developing. The thrill of falling in love had faded, they began to see each other's imperfections and their fights became more frequent. Now they were not sure if they loved each other anymore. What had gone wrong?

Larry and Beth planned to be married once Larry finished college. Their plans were disrupted when Larry survived a serious auto accident. Larry felt he needed to find meaning and purpose in his life before he could marry Beth. He broke their engagement and spent the next several years traveling. After studying philosophy in India and Japan and finding few answers, he drifted back to his hometown and lived with his parents. Larry wandered from one relationship to another, never finding a woman with whom he felt happy. One day he awoke to find that he was 40 years old and very much alone. What had gone wrong in his search for love and purpose in his life?

Kevin and Claire were professors at a small midwestern college. Both were happily married and had families of their own. They developed a close and warm friendship with each other and were very open about it. Kevin and Claire often had lunch together or took walks around the campus. Both of their spouses were aware of their friendship and had no problems with it, but it seemed the students and staff of the college had other ideas. Rumors began circulating that the two of them were having an affair. None of this was true, but the denials made by Kevin and Claire only added fuel to the rumors. Eventually they ended their friendship rather than put up with the incessant rumors. How could the college community be so wrong in their perceptions of the open friendship between Kevin and Claire?

WHY ALL THE CONFUSION?

All of the couples mentioned in the stories above have one thing in common: they are all confused about love. Peter and Cheryl are confused about falling in love which is different from being in love. Larry is confusing a spiritual form of love with romantic love. Expecting to find both in one relationship, he has been unable to find either. Kevin and Claire are the victims of their college community's lack of understanding about friendships between men and women. How can each couple find their way out of confusion about love? The purpose of this book is to answer their questions and confusions about love. But before their confusion can be cleared up we must understand more clearly what we are talking about. What we are talking about are the six different loves.

There are at least six different kinds of love, each with its own distinctive relationship. The six loves are friendship, romance, spiritual, community, marriage and family love. Much of the confusion in relationships comes from looking for the wrong love in the wrong place. Consider the following examples. We may think we are seeking romance with someone when in fact we may be looking for friendship. Many people expect a successful romance to make them happy, but if this is true, why do so many people still feel unhappy even in love? Many religious people feel that they cannot have any friends outside of their religion. Is this really an accurate understanding of the spiritual forms of love and the love of friendship? Some 'pop' forms of therapy tell us that we cannot hope to have a successful marriage until we deal with the problems from our past. Yet, it seems that the only people we can find as possible partners all have their own unresolved problems just like us. Is this a cause for hope or hopelessness in finding a partner? To answer these and other questions we must first understand what love is and then carefully look at each of the six different loves.

In this chapter I will offer one possible answer to the question 'How do you know when you are in love?' This is not a question that only interests philosophers, but a very practical question that each of us faces at one time or another. I will offer a definition of love and some principles that I believe all six loves have in common. The following chapters will discuss the characteristics that make each love distinct from the other loves. By sorting out the different loves in this way we can begin to answer some of the questions facing Cheryl and Peter, Larry and Beth and Kevin and Claire. We will return to each of these couples, as well as look at other people very much like them, in the chapters to follow. But for now, I will start with a definition of love.

LOVE DEFINED

How does one answer the question "How do you know when you are in love?" This problem usually arises with romantic love, but it can occur in the other loves as well. Perhaps we can borrow a technique from philosophy to help get us started. A standard method in philosophy is to first carefully define the terms you are discussing. After defining your terms, you arrive at criteria or principles to verify when you have an example of the subject you so carefully defined. Maybe this method of definition and verification can be of help to us. Here is my definition of love: Love is a choice to be committed, vulnerable, and responsible to the one for whom you care. There are a lot of heavy words in that definition, 'choice,' 'commitment,' 'vulnerable,' 'responsible.' Let us take a careful look at these terms in the order I have given them.

What do I mean when I say love is a choice? Love is a decision we make, a matter of the will. Love is not to be identified with emotions alone. Feelings are certainly a part of love, and our emotional response to people is one way of finding someone we could choose to love. What exactly do we choose to do in loving someone? One of the things we choose is to make a commitment.

When I use the word commitment I do not mean blind devotion such as "My lover right or wrong." One writer describes commitment as "the capacity to dedicate oneself to another person or cause."i We choose (there is that word again) to have a personal stake in the growth and life of the one we love. When we make a commitment to the one we love we say to them "I believe in you. I believe in who you are and in who you can become." By saying "I believe in who you are" we accept the one we love, imperfections as well as strengths. In affirming "I believe in who you can become" we recognize that people grow and change, even in love. We challenge, in the name of love, our loved one to grow beyond their comfortable limits for the sake of love. All of this talk of believing, growing, and commitment is risky business. This brings us to our next word, vulnerability.

Being vulnerable in love means that we willingly accept the pain and struggle of love as well as the joy and happiness of love. When we are committed to someone by believing in them, we cannot escape the disappointments and upsets that come with loving imperfect people. The joy of love cannot be separated from the pain of love. Unless we accept this paradox we will run from love every time it becomes painful or difficult. Choosing to be committed and vulnerable to the one you love is a decision to be responsible, the last word in my definition of love.

Responsibility in love means we are accountable to and for the one we love. Being accountable to the one we love involves activities that many of us have trouble with: trusting one another, being honest with each other, communicating (as opposed to just talking) with each other. To be accountable for the one we love is also difficult. There will be times when we must answer for and even defend the one we love. Since we know our loved one so well, sometimes we our obligated to make use of that knowledge. The occasion maybe as dramatic as a life or death medical situation, or as simple as a conversation with friends who ask how our loved one is doing. Being accountable to and for the one we love flies in the face of the self-indulgent individualism of our day. Yet, without responsibility love can endure over time.

So now we have our definition of love. Our task is only half completed, however. We could argue endlessly over definitions and words. To avoid this we must arrive at some criteria or principles that will verify that we have an instance of love as we have defined it. The three principles I suggest come out of the experience of other writers who are well acquainted with the human condition.

FIRST PRINCIPLE: HOW DO I NEED YOU?

My first principle comes from Eric Fromm. It is in the form of a question. How do you love the one you love? "Do you love them because you need them, or do you need them because you love them?"ii Let us look at both sides of this question.

"Do you love them because you need them?" Most of the things we do arise from mixed motives. The majority of our actions are the result of good and bad reasons blended together. (Only saints can claim to act from pure motives, and I have yet to meet one.) Love is no exception to the reality of mixed motives. When we are in love we bring with us our best and worst qualities. The question "Do you love them because you need them?" is meant to scrutinize how predominant are our worst qualities in a love relationship. We all have some subconscious programming that affects how we choose the ones we love. For people with addictive personalities or seriously low self-esteem, unhealthy and subconscious programming can be the predominant factor in how they choose the ones they love. If you love someone more because you need them, then beware. You should carefully examine the dynamics of your relationship and why you are attracted to your loved one. You might have some personal issues to work through before you can achieve the kind of love relationship you seek but cannot seem to find.

"Do you need them because you love them?" A slight rewording of the question describes a very different situation. In a relationship where two people deliberately choose to become interdependent, the need for each other can become overwhelming. The difference here is that the good qualities in each person are more predominant in their choice of a loved one. Good qualities such as trust, honesty, communication, and commitment will outweigh the negative qualities of jealousy, insecurity, and anger. As I mentioned before, love will always have mixed motives and qualities. If you need someone because you love them, then the good qualities should more than compensate for the bad.

SECOND PRINCIPLE: WHO AM I?

My second principle is a line from the movie The Accidental Tourist. "It is not just how much you love someone, it is who you are when you are with them."iii The movie revolves around the struggles of named Macon Leary who is a very predictable person. He likes to have everything planned and organized. Macon writes a series of travel guidebooks called The Accidental Tourist for reluctant business travelers who want to feel safe in their journeys. Whether you are in London or Paris, Macon's books tell you which hotels have the nicest bathrooms and which restaurants serve American food.

Macon's safe and sheltered life is shattered when his wife Sarah decides to move out and get a divorce. Being a quiet and withdrawn person by nature, Macon reacts by becoming even more quiet and withdrawn. He might have gotten away with it except for meeting a woman named Muriel. Muriel is as spontaneous and disorganized as Macon is subdued and predictable. Muriel takes an immediate liking to Macon and keeps pestering him to go out with her. He finally does and falls in love with her. As their relationship grows, Muriel's love for Macon changes him into a new person. He becomes more spontaneous and playful, and his normally dismal attitude about life becomes more hopeful. Towards the end of the movie Macon makes one last attempt to reconcile with his wife Sarah. They move back into their house and try living together again, but it is no use. Macon has changed too much to go back to his old ways. As he explains to Sarah why he wants to go back to Muriel, he tells her "Its not just how much you love someone, but who you are when you are with them." Muriel has given Macon another chance at life by allowing him to decide all over again what kind of person he wants to be.

"I believe in you. I believe in who you are and in who you can become." This is the support and freedom Macon found in his love for Muriel and the hope and freedom we should find in our love relationships. Who are you when you are with the one you love? Do you feel a sense of freedom? Do you find a giddy courage to try new things, to grow beyond your comfortable limits? Or are you a perpetual prisoner of your old fears and insecurities? Is your relationship more like a comfortable pair of shoes that you keep out of familiarity instead of going to the trouble of getting a new pair? I leave you to answer these questions for yourself.

THIRD PRINCIPLE: SANCTUARY

The third and last principle is from a writer who says "the essence of love is a sense of sanctuary." Sanctuary has two distinct aspects, protection and renewal. We each have our fears, insecurities, hurts, and pains that we share with a few people. If we want to grow and change for the better, we need to share these burdens with the person you love. The sense of sanctuary we find in love gives us the protection we need to share our hurts and fears with our loved one. We sense that our loved one will not make a public display of our weaknesses and fears. The protective sanctuary of love is like a mother bird spreading her wings over her young in the nest. Within the warm confines of their mother's wings the young birds know they do not have anything to fear. This feeling that we are safe and everything is okay is the protection we should find in love.

Besides protection, the sanctuary of love also provides a chance for renewal. Sanctuary is not simply an escape from the unpleasant realities of ourselves, for when we share our burdens with others we are re-energized and restrengthened. We no longer carry our pains and fears alone and find strength to overcome those pains and fears. If we cannot overcome them, then we find in our love the ability to live with our burdens instead of grimly enduring them. It must remain a mystery how the love of two people can be greater that the burdens of one. I only know that it is true from my own experience and that of many others.

Our task is now complete. I have given you a definition of love: Love is a choice to be committed, vulnerable and responsible to the one for whom you care. And I have given you three principles by which to judge your love. "Do you love them because you need them, or do you need them because you love them?" "It is not just how much you love someone, but who you are when you are with them." "The essence of love is a sense of sanctuary." I cannot guarantee that this definition and these principles will always lead to love. I do believe that these ideas will give you a place from which to start as you seek to find love in your life.

Now that we have a definition of love in general, where do we begin to discuss the six loves? By starting with the most basic of the six loves, friendship, to which we now turn in the next chapter.