Among the many things that can
ignite a heated discussion on an otherwise peaceful day is
the issue of the 'wandering eye'. Our make-believe couple,
Jim and Heather, are walking down the street hand in hand on
a Saturday afternoon. As Heather is talking about the various
things that went on during the week Jim turns his head to
take an extended look at the pretty girl who just walked by.
Heather catches him, Jim denies it and next thing you know
Jim's wandering eye has just earned him Heather's cold
shoulder.
Before I say anything I would like
to preface it with the statement that I do not believe in
stereotypes. I firmly believe that for every 'generality'
that applies to either sex there are many people who do not
fall into those same generalities. However, as a whole, there
are some basic differences between men and women that apply
to the majority. If this were not the case then men and women
would not have so many challenges facing them trying to
understand each other in a relationship.
One of these differences is in the
area of 'initial attraction'. Again, generally speaking, most
women are initially attracted to their perception of who a
man is, rather than what he looks like. The two are obviously
tied together since she appraises what a man 'is all about'
at first by the type of clothes he wears, the condition of
his car, his speech, mannerisms, job, hobbies, etc. But it is
not so much his physical 'appearance', but his physical
'presence' that she is interested in. "Does he seem
responsible? Is he a flake? Is he a goal-oriented,
independent individual? Is he a total loser?" These are
the sort of first impressions many, though not all, women are
seeking out when they find their curiosity peaked about a new
man.
Men, however, are not quite so
involved or complicated when it comes to that first 'initial
attraction'. I have known many, many a scoundrel and almost
as many good-hearted Christian men but one thing I have found
to be a common denominator amongst all from the most upright
of Pastors to the committed pagan of lowest grade... they are
all at a weakness when it comes to noticing a woman's body.
This is so true that it strikes me strangely ironic that
women spend so much time picking out what shoes to wear when
it is not shoes that attract a man's attention. (Personally I
think it is other women they are worried about, but that's
another issue.) No, instead the first impression being
surmised by most men is that of physical appearance. The old
'bust-waist-hip' formula along with a particular man's fancy
are the first things he will find himself entranced by when a
woman with those parameters passes his way.
Now, the thing to keep in mind is
that these are only the 'initial', first, things we tend to
notice. This is not how normal, healthy people make sound
decisions about relationships from beginning to end. The
items mentioned are only our basic 'instinctual' responses.
With time a responsible woman will investigate a man's
personality and heart aside from whether his car is waxed or
not. And likewise a responsible man will take the time to see
whether personality and heart are present in a woman aside
from whether or not she appears to be the 'ideal dream girl'
he's been seeking since puberty.
With these premises in mind, let's
return to the issue of the 'wandering eye'. Yes, it is true
most men have this habitual instinct that infuriates the
average woman. But this does not let the man off the hook or
give him license to disrespect his girlfriend or spouse with
such behavior. Meanwhile, even though a woman has every right
to feel offended by such behavior, it would be unreasonable
to expect a man to never again notice a cute girl that passes
into his line of vision.
So where then do we find some
working rule-of-thumb that takes each side's perspective into
account? On a woman's side, she needs to talk to her
spouse/boyfriend at a time when she has his undivided
attention. Let him know that you are offended and ask him how
he'd feel if you spent time alone talking to other men she
might find attractive. I say this because if you ask him,
"How would you like it if I looked at other men?",
chances are this won't phase him in the least. Most observant
men know it is not the guy who -looks- at his girlfriend he
needs to worry about, it's the guy who gets his girlfriend's
ear that he has to worry about. (Remember, a man's
imagination is stirred by what he 'sees'. A woman's
imagination is stirred by what she hears, or perceives.)
After making your feelings known it comes down to what sort
of man you have on your hands. The type who will just make
excuses for himself or the type who will hear what you're
saying and try to curb his behavior for your benefit.
As to the man's side.. I know what
you're thinking. "It's impossible! There's no way I'll
never again notice some 'babe' walking in front of me."
Take a moment to look at the issue. Your girlfriend/spouse is
upset not because she thinks you're going to run down the
sidewalk with some total stranger just because of large
breasts. (But if you did, she'd count herself better off
without you.) No, instead she's offended because it is
disrespectful of her in front of everyone else around you.
She's concerned about all those people nearby who are going
to whisper, "I feel sorry for her.. look at how her
boyfriend is drooling over every other girl but her."
Even when I'm with a "friend who is a girl, but not my
girlfriend" they are apt to feel that same insecurity,
even though I'm not in a relationship with them.
Instead, men, you have a two-phase
plan to carry out unless you really DO want to hear your
girlfriend/spouse give you this lecture every time you go
out. First phase is 'notice, but don't dwell'. Spend the same
amount of nanoseconds looking at that gorgeous woman as you
would spend looking at some fat guy with a bad haircut. And
then look somewhere else. If there's a plethora of women
around, such as at the beach, then look at your girlfriend
while she's talking to you. (This earns you points in her
favor by the way.) Yes, you're just pretending you don't want
to look.. but with your girlfriend/spouse they aren't
interested in whether you -want- to look (they already know
that much).. they are interested in whether or not you are
going to -actually- look. By 'notice, but don't dwell' what I
mean is a simple "no second look and no single long
fixation". It's the second look and long look that are
getting you into trouble. Excuses and denial won't get you
anywhere with your girlfriend/spouse.. so don't even think
you can talk your way out of it if you keep it up.
Second phase is more pro-active.
Almost extra-credit. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound
of excuses you might say. Knowing that you are naturally
drawn to notice attractive women (hence they are called
'attractive', for they 'attract' you, do they not?)... next
time it is obvious to you and your spouse that there is one
of these 'eye-targets' in view, maneuver you body in such a
way that it is obvious to your girlfriend you are not
looking. Subtle, but effective. It may take a while before
your significant other realizes you really are trying your
best, which is about all you can do. Some women are more
sensitive about this than others. My girlfriend and I have
talked openly about this issue before and she knows it's
normal that I would 'notice' a woman (or any person for that
matter) without having to 'dwell' or fixate about it.
A closing note about the tension
this issue often brings up. It is normal for a woman to feel
offended and make her feelings known when she catches you
'eye-groping' some other woman. But when this same argument
is used when you are simply conversing with a female friend
from work, or other acquaintance, then it may be worth
looking into the 'Jealousy'
article written previously.
All in all it must be remembered
that you can show your love for your girlfriend/spouse not
only by getting her flowers, leaving her little notes in her
purse and such.. but also by also by putting in some effort
to curb this natural habit most men have which bothers her
more than you might imagine. By doing so you've again told
her you love her by your actions and not just your words. For
those who insist on ignoring or excusing themselves from the
issue it will only be a matter of short time before it
becomes yet another brick in the wall that can divide you
from your mate.
